Honestly, I wanted to write every day about being joyous.
It was a joy to think about writing every day... I so enjoyed writing for the 31 Days of Vision, and wanted that outlet to be able to write about how I feel... and when I picked the word "Joyous", I truly meant it. I am joyous... and I do sing praises daily for being able to find something to be joyous about...
Then I think maybe when you say how thankful you are... you are tested.
The first of the year brought sickness to my sweet mother, who is nearing the end of her long life... but we aren't ready to let go yet... so we fight for her, want to keep her, and maybe make the wrong decisions, but keep plugging along with her.
How do you make decisions... life decisions... for another person? How do you do what that person wants and not allow your own feelings to trickle into the process?
My mother told us, my sister and I, maybe 15 years ago that she didn't want to go through any more surgeries. She said that she didn't want to be resuscitated, if she was in a life and death situation... no measures were to be taken... and you know, I agreed with her at the time.
I also disagreed with her that she shouldn't have surgery ever again. Though I know that during the course of my life, she has had numerous surgeries and each one has been a necessary one, and that they all served its purpose... and that it is something that you just can't say, well... I won't ever do this again... because unless you are superman... or wonder woman, you might just have an emergency that requires you to have surgery.
I know that very well on my own, but when it is your mother, well, it brings new meaning to the statement... you will die without surgery.
We were faced with the decision a couple of times in the past 20 years. Mom had been sick, the doctors saw her in emergency several times and sent her home... the last time she went to the hospital with pains... they did this and that and finally sent her to have xrays or something... when she came back, they just left her on a table in a little room... I went in and she was shaking uncontrollably. She was so cold, and hurting, and I panicked and ran to get the nurses... they asked if she was having pain, yes... chest pain... I thought that was why she was here... and they ran to her and admitted her into CCU immediately and found that she had a large blood clot that had turned loose. She had a pulmonary embolism... and lost a large part of one lung to it.
So now she has COPD... well... that's a fine how do you do.
We had to make a decision as to what to do, my brothers , sister and I, had to make the decision as to what to do. The reasonable thing to do was to have an umbrella filter in her abdominal vein to stop the chance of having another embolism... But she didn't want to have another surgery.
So, what do you do?
When you have your brothers with you, it seems to be an easier choice. Mom wouldn't get onto them for deciding they want to keep her around, would she? no... she would be able to graciously tell them that she loved them and was glad to have the surgery to stick around and baby them a little longer...
The next surgery, was a pacemaker. Her heart was just too weak to keep her going when she was sick, and it needed a bit of help. So we said yes... and she was upset, but well... she was alive.
The next was a bit more major, and a bit more invasive, and such a terrible thing to have done... she had another blood clot, this time in her arm, and they took quite a while finding what it was, so her arm either had to come off, or they were going to have to literally split it from elbow to wrist to relieve the pressure of backed up blood, so that the circulation could resume... I said yes, but it was going to have to be a consensual decision. Problem was, one of my brothers had already passed away, and the other was miles away... so my sister agreed. I made her sign the document though... and she has never forgiven me for that.
Well, the good news was that Mom made it through the surgery very well... and the arm was saved, and the surgery that followed to stitch up the gaping incision went very well... and well... all was well.
Then came the problem a couple of years ago. She had to have emergency surgery on her colon. They ended up taking a part of it... and it was the surgery that would change all our lives...
I think, but am not positive, that she actually signed the papers for that one herself. I know I wasn't there when they decided to do the surgery, I know that I was not going to be the one to sign it... because I felt so strongly about the promise that I made to her... after the last surgery that "I promise I won't put you through that again"... I just couldn't... do it.
But that surgery was the hardest I think. Even though it should have been an easy one, it was horrid. The anesthesia took it's toll on her, but the morphine afterwards was the worst... she was trying to get up and walk out of the hospital... she was out of her mind from the medication.
Then she had an episode in the hallway where she collapsed and they sent her to ICU... and I thought that she wasn't going to make it... but... the took her off the morphine and she actually got better.
Well... now....this surgery was a joint decision between my sister and I. It had to be done, and I just couldn't allow my mother to just die... so I said yes... I wanted to hear all the options, but I couldn't ever just leave her to die... no matter if she died on the table as they thought she might... my decision didn't waver...
That is why I am joyous...
I knew that no matter what, that Mom would be in less pain, less agony, and would either be alive or not... but that whatever the outcome...
I was ok with it.
Mom can be angry with me, but she will be angry... not dead...
and if she is dead... well... she can holler at me when we meet again.
It has been a week and a day since the surgery, and it has been all good since.
She has gone into a new nursing facility that is bright and clean, and we know people there... they are friendly, helpful and on top of her needs... and I am joyous!
I think Mom is, as well. OK, maybe not yet, but I think when the pain is less, she will be. Her mind is not the same, but she does recognize everyone... and ... maybe she will actually like this place. She will be taken care of, will be able to have nutritious meals, exercise, and people around her that actually care.
I am joyous, that my mother is still alive and not in pain. I am joyous that this was the right decision to make, that it was made... and no matter what, it is going to be ok. Whether Mom lives a week or a year, or ten years... it is going to be ok. I will keep making the decision to keep her from being in pain... from hurting in a way that can't be managed... and to ease her transition into the great beyond in a manner that would be courageous and graceful...
I suppose that is all we can ever ask...
It was a joy to think about writing every day... I so enjoyed writing for the 31 Days of Vision, and wanted that outlet to be able to write about how I feel... and when I picked the word "Joyous", I truly meant it. I am joyous... and I do sing praises daily for being able to find something to be joyous about...
Then I think maybe when you say how thankful you are... you are tested.
The first of the year brought sickness to my sweet mother, who is nearing the end of her long life... but we aren't ready to let go yet... so we fight for her, want to keep her, and maybe make the wrong decisions, but keep plugging along with her.
How do you make decisions... life decisions... for another person? How do you do what that person wants and not allow your own feelings to trickle into the process?
My mother told us, my sister and I, maybe 15 years ago that she didn't want to go through any more surgeries. She said that she didn't want to be resuscitated, if she was in a life and death situation... no measures were to be taken... and you know, I agreed with her at the time.
I also disagreed with her that she shouldn't have surgery ever again. Though I know that during the course of my life, she has had numerous surgeries and each one has been a necessary one, and that they all served its purpose... and that it is something that you just can't say, well... I won't ever do this again... because unless you are superman... or wonder woman, you might just have an emergency that requires you to have surgery.
I know that very well on my own, but when it is your mother, well, it brings new meaning to the statement... you will die without surgery.
We were faced with the decision a couple of times in the past 20 years. Mom had been sick, the doctors saw her in emergency several times and sent her home... the last time she went to the hospital with pains... they did this and that and finally sent her to have xrays or something... when she came back, they just left her on a table in a little room... I went in and she was shaking uncontrollably. She was so cold, and hurting, and I panicked and ran to get the nurses... they asked if she was having pain, yes... chest pain... I thought that was why she was here... and they ran to her and admitted her into CCU immediately and found that she had a large blood clot that had turned loose. She had a pulmonary embolism... and lost a large part of one lung to it.
So now she has COPD... well... that's a fine how do you do.
We had to make a decision as to what to do, my brothers , sister and I, had to make the decision as to what to do. The reasonable thing to do was to have an umbrella filter in her abdominal vein to stop the chance of having another embolism... But she didn't want to have another surgery.
So, what do you do?
When you have your brothers with you, it seems to be an easier choice. Mom wouldn't get onto them for deciding they want to keep her around, would she? no... she would be able to graciously tell them that she loved them and was glad to have the surgery to stick around and baby them a little longer...
The next surgery, was a pacemaker. Her heart was just too weak to keep her going when she was sick, and it needed a bit of help. So we said yes... and she was upset, but well... she was alive.
The next was a bit more major, and a bit more invasive, and such a terrible thing to have done... she had another blood clot, this time in her arm, and they took quite a while finding what it was, so her arm either had to come off, or they were going to have to literally split it from elbow to wrist to relieve the pressure of backed up blood, so that the circulation could resume... I said yes, but it was going to have to be a consensual decision. Problem was, one of my brothers had already passed away, and the other was miles away... so my sister agreed. I made her sign the document though... and she has never forgiven me for that.
Well, the good news was that Mom made it through the surgery very well... and the arm was saved, and the surgery that followed to stitch up the gaping incision went very well... and well... all was well.
Then came the problem a couple of years ago. She had to have emergency surgery on her colon. They ended up taking a part of it... and it was the surgery that would change all our lives...
I think, but am not positive, that she actually signed the papers for that one herself. I know I wasn't there when they decided to do the surgery, I know that I was not going to be the one to sign it... because I felt so strongly about the promise that I made to her... after the last surgery that "I promise I won't put you through that again"... I just couldn't... do it.
But that surgery was the hardest I think. Even though it should have been an easy one, it was horrid. The anesthesia took it's toll on her, but the morphine afterwards was the worst... she was trying to get up and walk out of the hospital... she was out of her mind from the medication.
Then she had an episode in the hallway where she collapsed and they sent her to ICU... and I thought that she wasn't going to make it... but... the took her off the morphine and she actually got better.
Well... now....this surgery was a joint decision between my sister and I. It had to be done, and I just couldn't allow my mother to just die... so I said yes... I wanted to hear all the options, but I couldn't ever just leave her to die... no matter if she died on the table as they thought she might... my decision didn't waver...
That is why I am joyous...
I knew that no matter what, that Mom would be in less pain, less agony, and would either be alive or not... but that whatever the outcome...
I was ok with it.
Mom can be angry with me, but she will be angry... not dead...
and if she is dead... well... she can holler at me when we meet again.
It has been a week and a day since the surgery, and it has been all good since.
She has gone into a new nursing facility that is bright and clean, and we know people there... they are friendly, helpful and on top of her needs... and I am joyous!
I think Mom is, as well. OK, maybe not yet, but I think when the pain is less, she will be. Her mind is not the same, but she does recognize everyone... and ... maybe she will actually like this place. She will be taken care of, will be able to have nutritious meals, exercise, and people around her that actually care.
I am joyous, that my mother is still alive and not in pain. I am joyous that this was the right decision to make, that it was made... and no matter what, it is going to be ok. Whether Mom lives a week or a year, or ten years... it is going to be ok. I will keep making the decision to keep her from being in pain... from hurting in a way that can't be managed... and to ease her transition into the great beyond in a manner that would be courageous and graceful...
I suppose that is all we can ever ask...
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