Joyous

When I am alone, there is a silence that falls on me, a quiet that is somewhat disconcerting. I try to shake it off, but it is a nagging feeling that there is some impending doom. Some manifestation of wicked that is lurking just around the corner that wants to devour me and all my loved ones... 

Yes, I know that is ridiculous. Yes I know that it is just my subconscious that is making me think there is something wrong, something missing, something about to happen... and then I remember, Psalm 40: 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. 

When I joined the 31 Day Survivors, I had been recovering from the experience for a couple of months, I waited until the first of the year to go back to my blog to look again at my writings. There were a few days missing, from the time when I was the sickest I have been in quite a while, and I thought about filling in those spaces with what I have written and saved in drafts, but again, I decided to wait, to think about whether or not I want to fill in the gaps.  There is a reason that they are there, like my life, there are gaps when there is something bad going on, and I shut those times out of my head. This is a coping mechanism for me. I shut down and try to forget the bad things... and I am sure that is where my feeling of impending doom comes from. 

Joining the 31 Days Survivors, I found the One Word. I found the idea of this to be, well, wonderful. One Word to help you focus... The first week of January is always a week of resolutions, and the One Word is such a wonderful idea, instead of choosing something as a resolution, and forgetting it in a week or two, having one word to remind you all year that something  can happen, not that impending doom, but something that will bring you closer to what you want to be, closer to what you know is right, and closer to God.

I thought and thought and well… thought about what one word described what I want to be, and nothing was quite right. I want to be happy, healthy, thoughtful, obedient, creative, studious, caring, and you know what? In all of those things, joyous is the one word that would come of any or all of those words, being.

Scientific studies have shown that people with a good outlook are healthier, that’s good enough for me…

If you are happy, you think about other people, wanting them to be happy as well…

To be obedient, which is one of the toughest words… you have to be joyous. If you are unhappy you cannot be obedient. It just doesn’t work out.  You start to resent being obedient, you start to want for more… or less… That doesn’t mean that you have to be comfortable all the time, or that you don’t have to work hard, or be in situations that suck. It means that you accept the things that you cannot change, and you change those things that you can, and you do what you need to do, what is asked of you, expected of you, and do it with a song in your heart.

Psalm 100:2 Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing. To whom your love is given, though you have not seen him; and the faith which you have in him, though you do not see him now, gives you joy greater than words and full of glory:

- Basic English Bible

To be creative, I have to have a song in my heart and that is about as joyous as it gets. I sing when I am happy. When I was young, I sang all the time, I whistled, I hummed… and along the way, with unhappiness, I quit singing.  I need to find my way back to being happy enough to actually sing, not just have it in my heart.

Psalms 63:5-7 My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

So, you get he picture, I want to do all these things and be happy. I want to do all these things, and live my life with contentment, not that fear of some wicked and loathsome disaster looming above. I am not asking for an easy life, but a life filled with joy that I can take the bad with the good, the hard with the easy, the rain with the sun. I have made my life and I will live it, but I allowed myself to be drained of joy, and that is my own fault. I vow to try my best to avoid those people that make me miserable, I vow to seek out those people that bring fulfillment to me,  to praise and worship in a manner that brings that joyful noise into  my heart.