Joyous in all things

There are times that you can't help but be overjoyed, births, marriages, a new house, new car, new job... all so full of promise of happiness. Births are my favorite, new babies are so wonderful and you feel the blessing of creation, the fragility of life that is before you. Such sweetness and goodness, no blemish on the spirit or soul.
Death is quite the opposite, isn't it? You feel the sadness and weight of regret, Time indeed heals the wounds but the sadness never quite goes away. Is that the way it is supposed to be? Does God not tell us in Phillipians 4:4- "Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS" ? Does it mean that we should always remember to be happy? I think it does. I know it is hard, but even in death, we can find something to be happy about. Especially if the person that has died is a Christian, there is the reason in itself to rejoice.
In the Christian faith, it is believed that all persons that die either go to Heaven or to Hell. I don't know much about  Catholic faith, but there is purgatory for them, a waiting period if you will... and then you are dealt with and will go to the place that suits you best... hopefully Heaven.  Now, I don't claim to know what is in the afterlife. I believe in Heaven. I believe that is whatever it is, whether it is a state of mind, an actual place... whatever it is... it is good enough for me. No one knows if there is an actual place or not. No one living here on earth can actually, factually state whether the spirit passes boundaries and lives on. No one.

So... Christians should rejoice when a loved on dies, right? Especially if they are Christians, right? If it were that easy.

When my father passed away, I was terribly sad for many years, his passing was sudden and brutal, and it left us all in a daze. It wouldn't have been one of those times that you could rejoice. But I have a feeling that when it says, "rejoice in the Lord always", that it really means it.
My mother is nearly 90 years old. She has been terribly sick for the last couple of years, we don't really expect her to make her birthday this year, even though it is this week. I am trying to prepare myself and my kids. Bracing for the worst, praying that God's will be done... which is so hard... but it is selfish for me to wish anything else.  Really. I am selfish though, I want her to stay on for a while... but I just can't pray for that, no matter how selfish I am. I would never ask that she live longer. She is ready to go and has been for a while now. Some days she doesn't remember that she has been so bad and has energy and wants to get up and around, but those days have gotten fewer and further between.  Since she was sick the first week of the year, it has been worse. She doesn't want to get up and dressed, she doesn't want to read, to eat... that is not how she wants to live. That isn't how any of us want her to live. It is time to let go, but that is so hard to do.
I was thinking last night about how she has been so vibrant for so many years. I have friends whose parents are much, much younger than my mother. Some of them are not doing well at all. One friend was telling me that her mother is something like 60 and is not able to do much of anything, she had a hard life, lived hard, and now is paying for it with her health. I thought how wonderful it has been for me that my mother has been so active and healthy for so long.
I'm the youngest in the family and have the youngest kid, when I was pregnant with my son, I was worried about my mother passing away and him not having the chance to know her... well, he's had 12 years, and for the most part, they have been very rich and rewarding. Even the past couple of years it has been good, even though he has seen such heartbreaking things like her not being able to get up because she was so sick, but... it has given him a respect for life that many of his friends don't know. He has see how precious it is to have someone that you love to be gravely ill, to sit with them and to nurse them and to comfort them. I am so proud of the way he is with her.
That is something that we should rejoice in.
Even though my heart is heavy with the knowledge that it won't be long, I am trying with my whole being to be joyous. I want to be, I have so much to be thankful for. I have had my mother for longer than many do, I have had two wonderful children that will remember their time with their grandmother, dearly. I have everything in life that I need... Blessed, Thankful, Joyous. 

Joyous

When I am alone, there is a silence that falls on me, a quiet that is somewhat disconcerting. I try to shake it off, but it is a nagging feeling that there is some impending doom. Some manifestation of wicked that is lurking just around the corner that wants to devour me and all my loved ones... 

Yes, I know that is ridiculous. Yes I know that it is just my subconscious that is making me think there is something wrong, something missing, something about to happen... and then I remember, Psalm 40: 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD. 

When I joined the 31 Day Survivors, I had been recovering from the experience for a couple of months, I waited until the first of the year to go back to my blog to look again at my writings. There were a few days missing, from the time when I was the sickest I have been in quite a while, and I thought about filling in those spaces with what I have written and saved in drafts, but again, I decided to wait, to think about whether or not I want to fill in the gaps.  There is a reason that they are there, like my life, there are gaps when there is something bad going on, and I shut those times out of my head. This is a coping mechanism for me. I shut down and try to forget the bad things... and I am sure that is where my feeling of impending doom comes from. 

Joining the 31 Days Survivors, I found the One Word. I found the idea of this to be, well, wonderful. One Word to help you focus... The first week of January is always a week of resolutions, and the One Word is such a wonderful idea, instead of choosing something as a resolution, and forgetting it in a week or two, having one word to remind you all year that something  can happen, not that impending doom, but something that will bring you closer to what you want to be, closer to what you know is right, and closer to God.

I thought and thought and well… thought about what one word described what I want to be, and nothing was quite right. I want to be happy, healthy, thoughtful, obedient, creative, studious, caring, and you know what? In all of those things, joyous is the one word that would come of any or all of those words, being.

Scientific studies have shown that people with a good outlook are healthier, that’s good enough for me…

If you are happy, you think about other people, wanting them to be happy as well…

To be obedient, which is one of the toughest words… you have to be joyous. If you are unhappy you cannot be obedient. It just doesn’t work out.  You start to resent being obedient, you start to want for more… or less… That doesn’t mean that you have to be comfortable all the time, or that you don’t have to work hard, or be in situations that suck. It means that you accept the things that you cannot change, and you change those things that you can, and you do what you need to do, what is asked of you, expected of you, and do it with a song in your heart.

Psalm 100:2 Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing. To whom your love is given, though you have not seen him; and the faith which you have in him, though you do not see him now, gives you joy greater than words and full of glory:

- Basic English Bible

To be creative, I have to have a song in my heart and that is about as joyous as it gets. I sing when I am happy. When I was young, I sang all the time, I whistled, I hummed… and along the way, with unhappiness, I quit singing.  I need to find my way back to being happy enough to actually sing, not just have it in my heart.

Psalms 63:5-7 My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

So, you get he picture, I want to do all these things and be happy. I want to do all these things, and live my life with contentment, not that fear of some wicked and loathsome disaster looming above. I am not asking for an easy life, but a life filled with joy that I can take the bad with the good, the hard with the easy, the rain with the sun. I have made my life and I will live it, but I allowed myself to be drained of joy, and that is my own fault. I vow to try my best to avoid those people that make me miserable, I vow to seek out those people that bring fulfillment to me,  to praise and worship in a manner that brings that joyful noise into  my heart.